Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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