a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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