I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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