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Where is the hickey?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Randomize
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