Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
