Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
