The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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