She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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