you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
