True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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