Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
