I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
