coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My ATM looks so different sober.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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