I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
