Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
no, he came in my armpit
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
