K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
