Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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