got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
