I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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