And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.