tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can't talk, ducks in the car