Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
