the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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