hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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