he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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