Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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