oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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