Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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