What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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