The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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