I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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