so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
