i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
