I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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