you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Randomize
