we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
