My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
