he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
