Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
