??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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