are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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