also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
