We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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