Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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