I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
