i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Congratulations! We have a period
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