The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
