she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
