Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
