Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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