I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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