I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize