I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize