I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
