dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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