Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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