Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
